Leading yourself before others

Inspired by the VMG president Rebecca Robinson saying, “leadership is for everyone” in her speech at its latest congress, I have been reflecting on what this means to me as a long-time veterinary leader.

We often hear the phrase, “you can lead from wherever you are”, but how practical is this when faced with budget constraints, understaffing and a full workload – and what does it actually mean?

Many – often conflicting – definitions of leadership exist, but what do we expect of our leaders? And what do we expect of ourselves?

“Leading from wherever you are” is a call to action, urging us to recognise our leadership potential, to step up, to lead projects and to get involved in making the environment we work in better. Sometimes, though, this is not possible in our workplaces, and we feel as if we can’t make a difference.

Framing it instead as, “leading yourself before leading others” suggests to me the quiet work of self development that can begin at any stage of our careers. This can transform us both personally and professionally and, ultimately, enhance the culture in which we live and work.

Early in my career, I was thrust into a leadership position because I was a technically competent veterinary nurse. I thought I needed to know all the answers and fix people’s problems.

Anything my team brought to me, I took away and “solved”. This was based on my experience of leaders: outwardly coping and solutions focused.

Yet, taking problems away from team members simply perpetuates the cycle of “heroic leadership” and, of course, I broke under the pressure. No one has all the answers – especially in the brittle, anxious, non-linear, incomprehensible world we live in today. Many believe heroic leadership has had its day (Tams, 2018).

What makes a good leader?

So, this brings us back to what makes a good leader (or effective person), and this reminds me of one of the first leadership books I ever read, Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (2004).

Some of the challenges I faced early in my career as a leader were caused by believing in “individualism” and that, once I was in a leadership position, I was the expert, should lean on no one and have magically learned the answers to even the most complex problems.

And, if I didn’t know the answer, it was best not to look stupid by asking someone else.

We now know that collaboration is more effective, but when you’re used to fixing problems and having everything “under control”, trying to control the uncontrollable – particularly other people’s reactions – creates stress.

You need to be self aware enough to manage your responses in situations you cannot control. And, if you ask for opinions or feedback, you had better be ready to take the consequences.

Covey asserts that when we’re young, we’re dependent on our parents and, as we grow, we become independent. Many of us stay this way.

However, to become effective leaders, we must finally become “interdependent”; that is, able to work with others in trusting relationships, to synergise, not compromise.

To be truly interdependent, we must work on our emotional intelligence, so we can understand our needs, wants and habitual patterns of behaviour to negotiate our interdependence with others, with kindness and compassion. Covey suggests that self-mastery and self-discipline must precede good relationships, and if our words and actions simply come from superficial human relations techniques, others will sense our insincerity.

Our bodies often produce a reaction to a situation before our brain has engaged. You know the feeling: someone asks you to do something and your body reacts. The knot in your stomach, the sweaty palms.

You may be in fight, flight or freeze mode in your response. Developing our emotional intelligence gives us the space to choose our responses carefully, rather than react or comply, causing less damage to our self esteem and relationships.

Unmet needs

Many emotional responses are caused by an unmet need. Were you asked around lunchtime, and you’re hungry and want to eat before fulfilling the request?

Were you asked to speak to a complaining client, and you did not feel safe or competent to do this? Were you made to feel small or belittled by the request? Were you frustrated that the person was not completing this task themselves? Has the request violated a deeply held value such as fairness? Emotions are data, but, all too often, we ignore them and fight or comply with requests that cross our boundaries and compromise our values.

If we have not practised the self-mastery of independence (being proactive, organising around our priorities or being values driven), we can be unable to advocate for ourselves, may react unfairly or may fall victim to blaming the other.

There is another way: learning to name our emotions with greater granularity can increase our power to engage with what these emotions are teaching us.

Susan David calls this: “emotional agility – our power to notice our emotion and choose a values-based action rather than react” (2017). Is it anger or frustration, sympathy or pity, stress or excitement?

This level of introspection can require space we don’t have in a busy workplace. But, taking the time to provide a considered response can actually save time later, reducing time spent being frustrated that you have compromised your values or having to repair damaged relationships. Knowing yourself better through emotional intelligence and proactively reflecting on your habits, choosing only those that serve you, can be part of the path to better emotional well-being.

Having a safe space to practise this is essential. Many of us know we could improve, and some of us know what we should be improving – but having the time and impetus to do the work is the barrier to change. Taking charge of our reactions can help us reach what Covey calls a “win/win”, where both parties’ needs are met in a relationship. This can involve developing language to create space to manage our reactions; for example, if you’re suddenly asked to consider an idea when you’re in the middle of doing something else, you could respond: “It is important to me to listen to your idea. I will have time at 3pm; could we meet then?”

The more you practise creating space for yourself and setting boundaries to help avoid reacting in the moment, the easier it becomes to master emotion management. Of course, there are urgent clinical situations where “come back at 3pm” would not be appropriate, but they are few. Talking to trusted others about how they manage their own emotions, and practising, will help you to develop new habits and ways of being that, in turn, could make it easier and more intuitive to practise in the moment.

When a strong emotion arises, a simple strategy might be:

• Notice your emotion (this might involve taking a breath).
• Use language to create space.
• Think about your response.
• Return with a proposed solution that also meets your needs (consider whether you might need more information to reach a win/win – you may not fully understand the situation).

Using this strategy could enable you to remain compassionate and useful (important, as many of us in caring professions feel guilty if we say no) without shouldering the burden of every request. When we’re dealing with our own and others’ emotions, it can be more complex, but noticing your reactions to situations is a good start.

Community help

Support from a community of peers or coaching can also help if you’re stuck in familiar and unhelpful patterns. Changing habits is difficult work. Self-compassion, and recognising that even if we are highly emotionally intelligent that we will not get it right all the time, is key.

Many leaders arrive in a leadership position with no training or development, so any learning you can undertake on self leadership will improve your self awareness and benefit your team. It’s the single most effective thing I have learned in leadership training and something I wish I had begun before even stepping into a leadership role.

Effective performance, better health and well-being of employees, and lower rates of resignation are correlated with positive views of your line manager (Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development, 2025). These positive views are cultivated by actions and the way others are treated.

Self-development in this area is time well spent. Even if you’re not yet in a leadership role, you can help promote a positive culture from wherever you are in the team and promote civility in practice, which can enhance the culture. Much incivility is born from team members having a bad day and lacking the self-awareness to correct their actions and reactions. Developing my own self-awareness has helped me to be a better parent, friend and colleague, in addition to impacting my leadership style.

Recognising leaders are human, that they don’t have all the answers, and using your enhanced self awareness to support them, leads to opportunities. Focusing on what you can control – leading yourself – improves how others view you and can lead to valuable experiences that help you achieve your career goals.

This doesn’t always come with recognition, but can give you insights to use when it’s time to move roles. Analysing the costs and benefits to displaying leadership behaviours, and noticing your feelings around what you are being asked to do, will help you to decide on worthy causes for your time and attention.

In every situation, the thing that you can control is yourself. If you’re aspiring to leadership or just want to be a better teammate, working on self-leadership is a worthwhile, sometimes difficult, but rewarding way to spend your time.

Even seasoned leaders must continually practise reflection and reflexivity to keep improving relationships. The growth often comes when you realise you won’t get it right every time in every situation, but can practise self compassion and be ready to try again.

At VMG, we embody “leadership for all”, and the VMG Award in Veterinary Leadership and Management embraces learning around self-awareness, emotional intelligence and leadership styles.

There is something magical about working on self-development with a group of peers, having space to reflect on your leadership style and hear how others are practising leadership, whether you are leading yourself or others.

So, for those aspiring to leadership or those who would just like to work on themselves, an inspiring community awaits.

Find out more about the VMG suite of qualifications by visiting tinyurl.com/4prn6zv5

• Published in VN Times (2025), Volume 25, Issue September/October, Page 16-19

References

• Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (2025). CIPD Good Work Index, tinyurl.com/5e3se58b
• Covey SR (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, Free Press, Switzerland.
• David S (2017). The gift and power of emotional courage, TEDWomen 2017, tinyurl.com/34e5jbbe
• Tams C (2018). Bye-bye heroic leadership. Here comes shared leadership, Forbes, tinyurl.com/tf8s6h7r