8 Mar 2022
Are you fed up with unproductive conversations in the workplace? Steve Bailey suggests that it might be time to rethink roles you play in your practice – helping you quickly get to the crux of any conflict.
Steve Bailey
Job Title
Image: © New Africa / Adobe Stock
According to Shakespeare: “All the world’s a stage. And all the men and women merely players.” Now, it’s fair to say that he may not have had veterinary practices in mind at the time, but a surprising amount of truth and relevance exists in it to today’s workplace – especially when it comes to understanding the underlying reasons behind disagreements and discord.
At first glance, most disagreements – be they strained, but polite differences of opinion or full-blown rows – might seem to be unique and unpredictable. After all, we can’t possibly know what someone else is going to say or why. Indeed, often we don’t even know how we are going to respond in the heat of the moment.
But what if there was a way to understand what is going on in any disagreement? To make sense of the apparent chaos? Perhaps even to predict what is likely to happen next? Might that help to prevent arguments in the first place? Or to help change their course into a genuinely constructive discussion? Sound tempting? Then read on…
But I do have to warn you. Once you do understand what is going on, there is no going back. And I guarantee that from this point on you will start to see the patterns and roles that I am about to outline everywhere, whether it’s an argument about the rota at work, a disagreement with your partner about the washing up, a row with your kids about homework or even a fictional scene from your favourite drama.
It’s fascinating, addictive and empowering all at the same time, and has the power to transform the way you communicate with everyone around you.
The “drama triangle” was first described by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s1 and, at its core, is a belief that during any sort of “dysfunctional interaction” (a discussion or conversation where some sort of disagreement takes place) those involved will adopt one of three roles:
We’ll go on to explore each of these in more detail later on. For now, it’s worth noting a few general points that underpin the
model. Firstly, these are roles adopted by the individual at that moment in time; they are not a description or a label of who that actual person is. So, it means that, at that particular moment, that person feels like they are a victim, and this influences how they process what they are hearing and how they respond – regardless of whether they actually are a victim.
It’s also important to recognise that, although each of us is likely to have some natural leanings towards one of the three roles, we are also likely to find ourselves adopting all three roles at some time or another – perhaps even during the same discussion.
Let’s start to look in a bit more detail at the three roles in the drama triangle.
If the persecutor’s perspective could be summed up in one phrase, it’s likely to be “it’s all your fault”.
Persecutors will blame others and are good at finding fault. They will tend to try to control with rigid rules and be immediately critical of those who fall short of what is expected of them. They are likely to see themselves as the upholder of values and standards, and be inflexible and unable to view situations from different perspectives.
Some typical expressions from a persecutor might be:
The victim’s stance is one of “poor me!”. The victim will feel victimised and oppressed and, crucially, they are likely to feel powerless. Things are done to the victim and they feel unable to influence them. They believe they are at the mercy of life and events, and are unwilling to take responsibility for trying to change anything.
They are likely to blame others (persecutors in particular) for the ills that befall them, and to want rescuers to come to their aid and sort things out on their behalf. Some typical expressions from a victim might be:
The rescuer’s preferred line is “let me help you”. Indeed, they are likely to feel guilty if they don’t come riding to the rescue of the victim and try to take their problem away.
Rescuing others makes them feel good about themselves, adding to their own kudos and prestige by “saving the day”.
But while superficially seeming like a noble aspiration, being a rescuer comes with its own issues. Rescuers can find that they are focusing on the problems of others as a way of trying to mask their own anxieties. Moreover, their “I can fix this for you” approach can just increase the feelings of dependency and helplessness felt by victims. Shouldering extra burdens can also tip them into their own feelings of victimhood (“Here I am, having to work late again to clear up other people’s problems…” and so forth).
Some typical expressions from a rescuer might be:
Hopefully, you can start to see how these three roles work together and feed off one another, each with the potential to create or influence the adoption of roles in others. That’s why we refer to it as a drama triangle.
Perhaps you can already identify people you work with who have a strong tendency towards one of these roles – yourself included. Try to be honest. After all, no one likes to think of themselves as a persecutor, and here’s where it’s important to remember that this is about the role you tend to adopt, not necessarily who you are.
Think back to the last disagreement you had at work and try to replay the main thrust of who said what. Can you recall any lines being said that were similar to the typical expressions listed beforehand? If so, did they (and you) consistently hold that role throughout the discussion, or did they (or you) adopt others as well?
If your last disagreement was too long ago to remember in detail (lucky you), bear these roles in mind next time and see if you can detect evidence of them at work – I bet you can. And we are not just talking about “all guns blazing” stand up rows here, but any discussion where people are coming from different perspectives and a slight bit of tension or discord is at risk of creeping in.
Here is a brief hypothetical example of a drama triangle.
Person A: “You’ve made a mistake with the cashing up again. We’ve been through this several times. It should be simple to get right” (persecutor).
Person B: “I’m so sorry. It’s totally my fault. Why does everyone else seem to get it right, but not me?” (victim).
Person C: “You go and have your lunch and leave it to me. It’s really tricky until you get the hang of it” (rescuer).
Person B: “Oh, thanks. That’s such a weight off my mind. I’ve always been terrible at maths” (victim).
Person B leaves.
Person C: “Great! There goes my lunchtime. Why is it always me who misses out on a proper break?” (was the rescuer, now the victim).
Person A: “I don’t care who does it, just make sure it’s accurate this time, please” (persecutor).
Person C: “I always do! But if you actually hired the right people in the first place, we wouldn’t be in this mess, would we?” (Was the victim, now the persecutor).
Person A: “If we could afford it, I would. It’s not my fault that we can’t pay the going rate and end up hiring people not up to the job” (Was the persecutor, now the victim).
Okay, so it’s not exactly a BAFTA-winning piece of dialogue, but hopefully this is enough to begin to show how these roles manifest themselves in real life, how each person can adopt multiple roles during the same discussion – often shifting between them very rapidly – and how that then has the potential to influence the roles played by other protagonists.
Of course, when you have more than one persecutor at the same time, that’s when the sparks really start to fly.
Once we are attuned to the roles that we and others are playing in disagreements and confrontations, we have the power to understand what is going on beneath the surface and, should we wish, help prevent them happening in the first place.
This is a theme we’ll explore more in part two of this series, including an exploration of what the positive mirror images are for each of the three roles in the drama triangle, and how, by adopting these instead, we can start to move beyond conflict, and towards more positive and constructive engagement.
In the meantime, keep your antenna alert for the drama triangle the next time you are either involved in or overhear a disagreement playing out. Try to spot variants on those key phrases and perhaps roughly how much of the conversation the actors involved spend in each of those roles. Try to be alert to when they change, what caused the change and what impact that change had on the roles the others adopt.
I guarantee it will give you a whole new insight into what’s really going on in your workplace – perhaps even in other aspects of your life.
