My COVID Diaries: signing off from lockdown diary

When I wrote my first entry in My COVID Diaries, I never thought it would be six months until I sat down to write my final post.

I also imagined when that day came it would have a little more significance; that I would describe emotionally how we had burst from our doorways to embrace our neighbours and celebrate a victorious return to normality.

Instead, it is clear there will be no COVID Victory Day. This is a longer, slower battle, and there is probably no single end point.

Time for break

I have written previously about the coronacoaster of the early pandemic; the relentless stomach jerk of every announcement, twist and turn. Each week it felt like there was a lifetime to cram into 500 words.

Now, weeks have passed with almost no change at all. And as we move into this new stage of acceptance that life is not going to change anytime soon, it feels like the right time to take a break from writing this column.

It is emotional looking back across all 24 diaries, and remembering what life felt like in each one. From fearing whether it was possible to perform a compassionate euthanasia from a distance, to experiencing overwhelming feelings of community as we all pulled together – as neighbours; as a profession; as an entire species.

While across the globe we have been united by the breadth and impact of the pandemic, each of our experiences have been unique and I have only been able to write honestly about mine. This diary can only ever be a collection of what life in lockdown practice was like for me, as much as I hope it has struck a chord with some of you.

So, I wanted to say a huge thank you for all the messages of support and empathy the diary has received. It is a scary thing to share your personal experiences so publicly – particularly with your colleagues – and those messages have meant a lot. It has been a real privilege to write.

But I also wanted to acknowledge the times when my experience has been worlds apart from yours, and when this has been difficult to read. I have often tried to find the positives, but I know sometimes there is more comfort in acknowledging that things are just very, very hard. And this has been an extremely hard time on all in our profession.

A better end… one day

At the end of my first diary, I wrote that I was “almost certainly writing from the static before the storm”. Now, I am not sure where I am writing from. Life feels too still to be described as a storm, but it certainly has not passed us yet.

I think I am writing from a place of acceptance – I can accept this is where we are for now.

But I hope one day I will get to write a better end to this diary; one of celebration and embraces – a proper ending.

For now, it feels right to finish this chapter the same way I ended my very first entry:

“While I am scared of what this means, I could not feel prouder to be part of a profession that has already pulled together so incredibly.”

Stay well x