Time for real questions

Yet one has to ask if our scientists always seek out the answers to the most important research questions, and wonder: “Is 2009 going to be the year when scientists start answering some of the real mysteries of the universe?”

Real questions

Having cracked the meaning of life long ago, there is a collection of other issues that occupy my mind as I meander through the brackish backwaters of time. In no particular order, these are the issues that I would most like to see cracked in 2009.

• What’s all this about cats and their thyroid glands?

Hyperthyroidism is one of the greatest mysteries of all. It is the most common endocrine disease in cats, certainly in my vicinity, yet we have no idea what causes it, or why it suddenly appeared as a new disease about 20 years ago.

But spookier still is the fact that if we take out both thyroid glands surgically, the vast majority of cats carry on with life as if nothing had happened. They don’t suffer from hypothyroidism, even if we remove the damned problem. Why are cats so different, and why do they bother to have one thyroid gland if they don’t need it, let alone two?

• What force drives wires to tangle with each other?

We are discovering different energy forms and particles in the universe, such as dark matter and gravitons. Their existence cannot be proven, but can be inferred by the action that they have upon other bodies. It is obvious that another mysterious force exists to cause wires to tangle with each other when they are left in rough proximity.

Known as the spagatron, after the Italian pasta, it is inferred by string theory, and acts particularly strongly upon iPod earphone cables, and around the back of plasma screens and DVD recorders. By learning more about this poorly understood force, we may learn how to control its devastating effects.

• Why do gastric torsions never occur during normal working hours?

There has to be a simple explanation for this one – perhaps it is already known? Does it relate to dogs having their evening meal before they start to inflate like the Hindenberg? Whatever the reason, we all know that sinking feeling when the phone rings at 2am and an owner describes how his or her great Dane seems more than a little restless, and how it is possible to play a Phil Collins drum solo on its stomach.

In the immortal words of Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore: “I love the smell of gastric contents in the morning. It smells like… nothing else on Earth.”

• Why does the second practice telephone line always ring just after the first one does?

A particular branch may be dead quiet, and the receptionist may be sitting behind the desk twiddling his or her thumbs for hours. You can guarantee that once one phone line rings, the other line will quickly follow, often followed in turn by several more calls, so that the poor receptionist does not know who to deal with first. Then someone usually pops in to pick up a few hundred tablets, which need counting out. I have considered making that first phone call myself on quiet days, to see if it starts off the cascade.

So what is the mechanism involved? Are there sociological drivers that motivate clients to phone at certain times, or is it telepathy? Can we harness this behaviour to beat the credit crunch?

• Why do white dogs bleed more than others?

I suppose the first step in investigating this phenomenon would be a double-blind controlled experiment using black poodles dyed white as the controls, but we all know it to be the case, so why bother? There can be no doubt that white dogs that have had dental extractions will ooze from their cavities, so that by the time they are ready to go home, they look like they have gone five rounds with Mike Tyson and take 20 minutes to clean up.

Presumably, there must be an association between the white coat gene and delayed blood clotting, so it’s about time some whizz-kids identified its DNA sequence and developed a blood test to confirm whether it is linked to white-coated dogs.

• Why does the phone stop ringing just as you get to it?

You’ve got your feet up in front of the telly and the phone starts to ring. There are other people in the house and you assume one of them will answer it, but the ringing continues. You try to call out to someone, but your mouth is full of flapjack and it comes out as a muffled spray of sugared cereal fragments. You decide to let it ring, but then you begin to wonder who it could be. Have you won The National Lottery, or has your extremely wealthy spinster great aunt finally expired? It continues with its insistent ring, and you eventually decide that you have no alternative but to answer it. So you jump up and run to the phone and, just as you pick it up, it stops.

The timing is always exactly the same – you just get to the phone, you pick up the receiver, and the line goes dead. What mechanism is at work? Is there a sensor within the phone that detects oncoming movement and cancels the call? Further investigation is clearly needed.

• Why is it always the gentle pets with nice owners that get really nasty illnesses?

It seems that nasty dogs with ungrateful owners never get terminal diseases, and die very old and very aggressive, but the gentle cocker spaniels belonging to sweet little old ladies always turn out to have something incurable. What makes it worse is that the owners still think the sun shines out of your nether regions when you fail to achieve anything with your treatment and eventually euthanise it. If we were able to identify the healthy gene that nasty dogs carry, we could use gene therapy to extend the life of the well-behaved ones – I think.

The coming year is certainly going to be challenging, with some issues even greater than those I have outlined to be faced. I hope that it will be a good year for you, and that whatever problems come your way, you will be able to keep smiling because – as research really has shown – laughter is the best medicine.

• To contact Bradley, email [email protected]