26 Feb 2019
Becky Milner shares her experience of coming to terms with her sexuality and the support she received along the way.
Becky Milner
Job Title
Image © studioloco / Adobe Stock
Someone once asked me, what makes you, you? I didn’t even need time to think.
For me, being gay was never a choice; it is who I am. I’ve known since my early teens, but it wasn’t until I started university I finally accepted it myself.
My story is nothing out of the ordinary: the first person I told was my older brother when I was 13. He already knew and has stood by me ever since. Yet, despite this support, I couldn’t tell anyone else for years – I hadn’t fully accepted it myself and was scared of losing the people I loved because they wouldn’t accept it either.
School never offered the same support that both the University of Liverpool and vet school has provided – numerous LGBT+ societies and charity events raise awareness throughout the university.
The veterinary profession also offers so much support, with the British Veterinary LGBT+ helping spread awareness through their marches at pride, social media campaigns and articles by fellow vets and vet nurses sharing their experiences. Not only does this educate students on issues the LGBT+ society still face today, but help those still struggling with their sexuality. Including me.
However, I was now two different people – the out and proud lesbian at university, but the hidden, scared girl at home. The fear of losing the people closest to me was overwhelming at times, and was not only affecting my studies, but also my mental health.
Looking back I wish I came out earlier, because the old saying is true: the longer you wait, the harder it gets. It wasn’t until I had a huge breakdown after my second year at university I realised it was time to talk. Bottling up my emotions escalated the problem. Only by being honest could I start to live my life as the person I truly am.
It was around this time I met the love of my life. She showed me it was okay to be gay and I should never feel scared or alone. I finally had someone to talk to and help me, someone who had been through it and understood what I was going through.
I’ve never felt happier than when she proposed to me. Despite the questions people asked, despite that we’d only been together three months, despite all the challenges I still had to face, I still only had one answer – yes! I knew I would never find anyone I could love more.
With a fiancé, however, I knew I could no longer hide my sexuality from the two people I had yet to tell – my grandparents.
My grandparents are my rock. My childhood was filled with grief and pain, but they helped me through it all. They are the people I am closest to, so were also the hardest to tell.
It was one of the most gut-wrenching moments of my life; the uncertainty of their reaction and doubt to whether they will stand by me made it one of the hardest moments of my life. I spent the preceding weeks worrying constantly, unable to focus on anything but that worry.
Despite all my fears I did it. I took the train all the way from Liverpool to Kent one weekend, sat down and told them. Through the tears I told them everything. I explained how I’d lied to them – but only because I didn’t want to hurt them – and how I had finally found myself, as well as the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Their reaction was better than I could ever have hoped. They told me it didn’t matter who I fell in love with, as long as I was happy. They told me how proud they were of me and how nothing could ever dampen their love for me.
Their reaction, so unexpected, but so uplifting, is the reason I decided to share my coming out story. I hope it can help others realise it is never too late. It is not okay to feel ashamed of who you are. I spent 20 years of my life hiding who I am and regret leaving it so long.
Coming out is undoubtedly one of the hardest things a gay person will ever have to face. You must do it once you feel ready, never feel forced to do it. You will be surprised; in many cases you will be the last one to realise you’re gay. You will spend your entire life coming out, but, with time and practice, it will become second nature to you.
For me, coming out was the best thing I ever did. I have become closer to my friends and family, and, by accepting myself, I can help others. At first it may seem daunting, but once it’s done, it is a huge weight off your shoulders.
I know I have been lucky to have such positive response and not everyone is so lucky – but even if some people don’t accept you, never forget there will always be someone to talk to.
